


If It Kills Me

by ThatGinjahNinja



Category: attack on titan/shingeki no kyojin
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Literature, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Reader-Insert, Romance, Unrequited Love, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:09:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9857186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatGinjahNinja/pseuds/ThatGinjahNinja
Summary: Jean can't take it anymore. He's ready to give it up...or maybe just die altogether. His feelings for you have grown so out of control, he doesn't know how much longer he can hide them.There are just two problems...he's a coward and you're dating Eren.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Another song inspired piece, though I think I might make this into two parts instead of a one shot. I haven't decided yet.  
> Listen here first for the music that brought on the story: [[link]](http://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/CusGBZh5V_4)
> 
>  
> 
> This was totally inspired by [Jeannette11](http://jeannette11.deviantart.com) after seeing some of her awesome Jean art. ^_^ Sooo pretty.  
> I love Levi forever because angst and badassery are my thing,  
> but Jean...oh man...I just gotta have him. He's so secretly sweet, and the most rounded character, IMO...and hot.
> 
>  
> 
> Song: If It Kills Me  
> Artist: Jason Mraz  
> Character: Jean Kirstein and Eren Yeager  
> Fandom: Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin
> 
>  
> 
> *Cover image a screen mod from Google. Although, I tried to find Jean posing casually on the grass. Haha.
> 
>  
> 
> Second part that I added: [If It Kills Me 2/2(Jean x Reader x Eren!Fluff)](http://thatgingahninja.deviantart.com/art/If-It-Kills-Me-2-2-Jean-x-Reader-x-Eren-Fluff-555024222)   
> 

Another song inspired piece, though I think I might make this into two parts. I haven't decided yet. (I did decided and the second part is linked below.) Listen here first for the music that brought on the story: [[link]](http://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/CusGBZh5V_4) If It Kills Me -Jason Mraz “Hello,” he heard your voice come from just over his shoulder.

Pivoting his head to see a familiar form, Jean Kirstein smiled up at you with his biggest crooked grin and responded his own simple, “Hello.”

You sat next to him on the ground with an apple in one hand and a strategy book in the other. “Wanna look at this with me?” you asked, knowing how he would answer.

Jean set the book he'd previously been reading down and answered, “Sure, kid.” He always did that. Despite the fact that you were exactly the same age, he had referred to you as “kid” since early in your training days. He had scolded you for being a naïve child in your approach to joining the Survey Corps. It infuriated you so naturally, he kept at it until slowly, after everything you'd been through, it had become a term of endearment.

As you opened the manual, Jean nudged you with his shoulder. “Oi. What’s wrong, kid?”

You were sure that you had been concealing your worry better than that. “Hm?” you hummed as you stuffed a large bite of apple in your mouth. You hoped that would keep your best friend from questioning further.

Instead, he sat with one leg outstretched on the grass; the other bent at the knee as his wrist rested casually on it, and he waited for you to finish chewing. His amber eyes continued to look at you steadily as he questioned, “You’re not going to tell me?” Silence. "Want a bite of my apple?" you avoided as you stuck the shiny red fruit in his face.

“So, I’ll have to drag it out?” he teased, sounding mischievous at the thought.

“I don’t want to talk about, ok? Everything is fine. Let’s just read the book, yeah?” the words came out much harsher than you had intended and you dropped the hand with the apple back to your lap.

“Yeah...ok,” Jean hesitantly replied. He switched which leg was bent, moving himself close enough to look over your shoulder. You were waiting. You knew he would never have just left it alone the first time. _Here it comes._ “For the record, that is most definitely _not_ your ‘everything is fine’ face,” he spoke.

Shooting him an icy glare from your (e/c) eyes, you questioned, “Really?! Right now? You’re going to turn on 'Mr. Know-It-All' right now?”

He put his hands up lazily to mock surrender and turned a page as he said, “Fine. You don’t have to tell me anything. Let’s just sit here and sulk through this book, huh?”

You huffed (h/c) hair from your eyes, annoyed but feeling yourself soften. “Yes. That would be great, thanks. You’re a real pal.”

“No, my pleasure, kid. Sounds like a hell of a good time to me. You pout. I’ll strategize. We both turn up the sarcasm. Problems solved,” he added in his famous acerbic tone, while grabbing your wrist to pull the apple back to his mouth and steal a bite.

“Get out of here with that, crap, Kirstein!” you teased. “You can’t hide what a softy you are from me anymore, remember? I know all about you.”

He turned the corners of his lips slightly, as you tousled his two-toned hair. “Yeah, well…don’t go ruining my reputation. I’ve got an image to maintain, you know?”

“Jean Kirstein, Private Dickhead First Class. That’s the one?” you taunted.

He broadened his smile and tugged a strand of your (h/c) hair as he replied, “That’s the one.”

The two of you resumed reading through various military maneuvers for some time, carrying on about everything as if nothing had happened or would ever happen besides this. You just enjoyed sitting outside, spending rare time joking with your best friend. So much bloodshed generally surrounded you that mundane times like these were all the more treasured.

In the middle of laughing at one of Jean’s clever jokes, you heard your boyfriend Eren call your name. You waved alerting him to where you sat and gave Jean a half smile, trying to conceal the disappointment that your time together was over for now. You exchanged good-byes and side hugs before heading over towards Eren.

Looking back over your shoulder, you caught him frowning. He was looking at nothing in particular until you teased, “Hey, perv! Quit looking at my ass!”

Always one to keep his reputation in check, he raised a sly eyebrow and turned on that charming grin. “Make me.”

*****************************

 

”I know all about you,” _she had said to him._

_Jean sighed and got to his feet, watching you join up with Eren. Eren pecked a kiss to your lips and took you by the hand to lead wherever it was you were going._

She knows nothing, _Kirstein thought bitterly._

 _You certainly didn’t know that it was eating him alive inside that you were with Yeager._ Why did it have to be that suicidal bastard? What could you possibly see in the brat?

_Anyone else could have asked you for a date first. They all wanted to, after all. You were beautiful and your easy-going nature and compassion for others drew everyone to you like a magnet. If it had been anyone but fucking Yeager—_

_Jean still would have hated it._

_Hissing air out over his cowardice, he grabbed the two books from the ground and began walking back to the base camp._

_If he had just found the courage to tell you in the first place, Eren may never have managed to get anywhere with you at all. As it stood, Kirstein and the rest of the Squad had endured countless awkward attempts on Yeager’s part to eat your face in public._

_He grimaced at the mental image._ Damn it, Yeager! _Didn’t that idiot know that wasn’t how you deserved to be kissed?_

_If Jean had that privilege, he would have tenderly savored your ludicrously inviting lips and not allowed anyone to spy on your intimate moment together. Those kisses would be something cherished between the two of you. He wouldn’t be ashamed to share affection publically either, he just—he rolled his eyes—he would do it better than that idiot who had you now._

_Seeing through his unfeeling charade from the start, you had annoyed Kirstein initially. He mocked you relentlessly trying to wear you down, which only made you find him more amusing, delighting in Jean’s failed shtick. His attempt to thin your patience only resulted in him becoming hopelessly infatuated with you._

_As the months passed and your taunting blossomed into real friendship, Jean wasn’t sure what to do. He had never really had true friends growing up. His self-centered asshole persona had always been fairly effective. However, you saw that act and found it endearing and hilarious. You knew he was actually extremely concerned over the welfare of others, but you didn’t make a big deal out of it or give him grief about it around the others. You kept your reasons for your friendship to yourself and he appreciated that. He adored having a friend that actually enjoyed him as he was. You had even told Jean after he made the decision to join the Scout Legion, that you couldn’t have been more proud to have a best friend like him._

_Sitting at a table near the tented camp, Jean repetitively banged his forehead to the surface, irritated over his own indecisiveness. A throat cleared loudly just beside him and he looked up to see you standing there, eyebrows raised high in amusement, adorable smirk on your perfectly kissable lips._

Damn it! _He didn’t know how much longer he could go on like this._

====================================

“Must have been a rough half hour, eh, Kirstein?” you said tauntingly.

“What?” he questioned, seeming as if you’d startled him from some truly deep thinking.

“Since I last saw you?” you continued. “I mean, hell, you love me so much you can’t even make it thirty minutes without me? That's kind of deranged, but then I  _am_ pretty spectacular, if I do say so myself,” you added as you flashed him your best shit-eating grin.

“Shut up, you jerk,” he jested back. Wrinkling his nose at the mere thought of the boy, he asked, “Where’s Yeager?”

His voice practically dripped venom as he said your boyfriend’s name. “Alright,” you said sternly, “I told him and I’ll tell you, too. This rivalry between you has _got_ to stop. It’s not accomplishing anything and it’s driving me insane.”

He rolled his eyes as you sat down beside him. “Ugh, he’s so reckless, though. He’s going to get himself and all of the rest of us killed if he doesn’t cool it.”

You didn’t completely disagree about Eren’s hot-headedness. Still, having your boyfriend and best friend constantly at odds was getting pretty unbearable. You put your hand on his shoulder and looked pleadingly at him with your (e/c) eyes shining. “I’m begging you here, Jean. I can’t deal with this anymore and I don’t want to have to push away from one of you. Please get along with him. For me, huh?”

He laughed as your lip poked out as far as you could push it, hands clasped together, and long eyelashes batting ridiculously as you badgered. “Damn, pouty! What a show!” He shook his head and gave you a genuine smile as he sighed his defeat. “For you, kid? I promise to _try._ ”

“Yes!” you shouted triumphantly. It was more than you had gotten Eren to agree to. You knew you would be able to count on Jean. He always backed your plans, no matter how far-fetched, and you had to admit that a truce between Eren and Kirstein seemed pretty far-fetched at this point. “Then I can hang out with both of my boys at once!” you exclaimed.

“Ok, now that’s going a little overboard, don’t you think?” he frowned.

“Baby steps?” you asked playfully, before pouting those lips again. “You promised to at least try.”

“And I will. Even if it kills me, I promise to try, kid.”

Grinning bigger, you thanked him, placed a kiss on his cheek and headed off to tell Eren he better learn to cease-fire.

********************************

 

If it kills me, _Jean thought._ I really think it might.

_Jean flinched at the idea of having to spend time as a third wheel with you and the boy Titan. Skimming his hand across his ashy brown hair, he scolded himself for agreeing to this idiocy._

_If he had only told you from the start that_ he _was the one that had been longing for you, he wouldn’t have to deal with the mess. Jean knew there was no way that Eren could love you the way he himself could. He doubted Eren's one track mind even really knew anything about you. Still, Jean was terrified that confessing would not only cost him his pride, but the laidback friendship he so prized. It was too risky—for now._

_He would have to deal with the consequences of missing his chance in the first place. Going on pretending he was content just to be your friend, while he desperately spent the days wishing to confess his true feelings and finally feel your sweet lips against his…_

_It really might be the death of him._

 

 

> **“All I really wanna do is love you,**
> 
> **A kind much closer than friends use,**
> 
> **But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through.**
> 
> **And all I really want from you is to feel me,**
> 
> **As the feeling inside keeps building.**
> 
> **And I will find a way to you if it kills me,**
> 
> **if it kills me, if it kills me.**
> 
> **I think it might kill me.”**

 


	2. Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Jean have the nerve to tell you how he really feels?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song inspired piece, though I think I might make this into two parts instead of a one shot. I haven't decided yet.  
> Listen here first for the music that brought on the story: [[link]](http://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://youtu.be/CusGBZh5V_4)
> 
>  
> 
> This was totally inspired by [Jeannette11](http://jeannette11.deviantart.com) after seeing some of her awesome Jean art. ^_^ Sooo pretty.  
> I love Levi forever because angst and badassery are my thing,  
> but Jean...oh man...I just gotta have him. He's so secretly sweet, and the most rounded character, IMO...and hot.
> 
>  
> 
> Song: If It Kills Me  
> Artist: Jason Mraz  
> Character: Jean Kirstein and Eren Yeager  
> Fandom: Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin
> 
>  
> 
> *Cover image a screen mod from Google. Although, I tried to find Jean posing casually on the grass. Haha.
> 
>  
> 
> Second part that I added: [If It Kills Me 1/2(Jean x Reader x Eren!Fluff)](http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/554681476)   
> 

Eren had reluctantly agreed to meet with Jean and try to find something that would allow them to get along for your sake. It had taken a great deal of persuasion on your part, and Eren was not at all happy to oblige. Still, you were his girlfriend and he was supposed to try and make you happy, right?

It was beyond frustrating as far as Eren was concerned, trying to find a balance between honing his Titan powers, keeping himself focused on his goals, and trying to maintain a girlfriend. What had started as intense physical attraction and mutual respect, had become more like a chore; like you were just another face he had to please to make it through his day. He truly didn’t know how much longer he was willing to put up with the headache.

Begrudgingly, Eren walked to a small folding table and sat to wait. He drummed his fingers impatiently until his turquoise eyes spotted the tall figure of Jean Kirstein strolling towards him, hands in his pockets and scowl on his face.

As he took a seat, Jean stared detestably back at Eren. “So…” he began.

“So…” Eren responded. More than a few silent awkward seconds passed before Eren groaned and said, “I don’t have time for this.”

When he stood from the table, Kirstein ordered him, “Oi! Sit down, asshole. You can spare ten fucking minutes for (f/n).”

Eren glared back at him, aggravated that Jean had brought up the reason for them being near each other at all. You. Annoying he thought, as a million better uses of his time flowed through his mind.

Eren was a little surprised at just how adamant Kirstein was about making this work for you. He rolled his eyes and plopped back into the chair. “Fine,” he sighed. “So what are we supposed to do here, Horse-Face?”

“For starters,” the long-faced boy continued, “probably not insult each other, damn suicidal bastard.”

“Look. I don’t like you. You can’t stand me. I really don’t see what (f/n)’s hoping to accomplish here,” Yeager admitted.

Kirstein sighed, “I’m sure her life would be happier if the two people she cares about the most would get along for once.”

Eren narrowed his eyebrows and made clear with his expression that he didn’t approve of how Jean had labeled himself. Arrogant he thought, but then something else occurred to him.

“If I’m being honest,” Yeager began, “I kind of hate that she thinks of you as her best friend. I’ve always hated it. You’re an obnoxious asshole. It would be perfectly fine with me if she is forced to get rid of one of us. Then she and I can get on with our business and you can go saddle up or eat hay, or whatever it is you do in your spare time.”

“Screw y—“ Jean began before holding himself back. Groaning, he clenched his teeth and muttered, “It isn’t fair for us to make her choose between having friends and having love.” Eren winced at the word. “She deserves to have time for both. We promised her we would at least try, and so far neither of us is making much of an effort.”

“I don’t want to make her choose. She can have friends all she wants—just not you. I want you to back off,” Eren said coldly to Kirstein.

Jean glowered at Yeager and gripped the edge of the table tightly, trying to keep himself from standing to hit the moron’s smug face.

Watching him carefully, Eren continued, “Don’t think I’m an idiot, Horse-Face! I see the way you look at her and I don’t care for it. I really do not have the time or the energy to waste trying to pretend to like you while you’re in love with my girlfriend.”

Jean’s face slowly drained of color, confirming Yeager’s suspicions. Before Kirstein could speak, Eren confidently stated, “Here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to make up some excuse as to why the two of you can no longer be friends, and she and I will continue dating **or** I will tell her what a coward you’ve been while you’ve been perving on her this whole time.”

“Bullshit!” Jean glowered, amber eyes steaming. “Do you really think I would let that happen? ‘ Loose her as a friend instead of just telling her the truth? If you force my hand, do you think I’ll just let her go like that?”

“Yeah,” said Eren patronizingly. “Judging from your past record of being repulsively spineless, I really think that you would.” The two of them stared hatefully at one another as Yeager continued, “So go find her, confess how you feel while you’re pissing your pathetic pants, and see if she wants you or get the hell out of my way.”

It was too far. Jean stood and grabbed Eren by the collar, lifting him slightly from the ground as people nearby looked on. “Watch yourself, bastard, or I’ll—“

“You’ll what? You’ll hit me? I’m sure (f/n) will be really happy with you after you punch her boyfriend. Go ahead.” Furthering the insult, he added, “She’ll probably want to kiss it all better, so make it a good one on the lips, huh?”

Jean snarled and raised his fist but held it trembling in the air. The two of them stared each other down, turquoise challenging amber to make a move. Slowly, Kirstein released Yeager’s shirt and unclenched his fist.

“Tch. This is ridiculous! I’m not going to let you bait me, anymore,” Jean stated. “You want to fight for her, fine. I’ll tell her. I’ll tell (f/n) that I know I can make her happier than you can! I know I will love her more, respect her more, need her more.   
If you’re determined to force this, I’ll show her better than you or anyone else could, just how special she really is. You want that fight? Fine. You better hope you find her first.”

One more push to further his goal, Eren added, “Come off it. Everyone knows you haven’t got the balls, chicken-shit.”

Jean growled at Eren and turned to get away from the brat. He looked angry as Yeager watched him stalk off, muttering swears, rubbing his fingers crossly against his eyebrows, and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Eren just hoped he had done enough.

 

*******************

 

“Shit,” Jean mumbled as he walked away from Eren. He wasn’t ready.

What if you laughed at him? What if you didn’t want to stay his friend anymore? Then again, Eren had vowed that he would make sure you couldn’t be his friend anymore if Jean stayed silent. Maybe it won’t matter. You might choose his friendship over Eren after all…until you heard that Jean had been hiding his feelings from you.

“Damn,” he muttered again. “Shit. Fuck. Fuck this damn mother fucking bullshit.”

He was going to have to come up with better words than those if he hoped to tell you how he felt. He sighed and began pacing around camp, weighing the pros and cons of letting you in on his secret. The biggest con, of course, was that you may decide that it was too awkward to continue even being his friend and reject him completely. Jean found the prospect of how much he would miss in your life utterly terrifying.

But what if she doesn’t?

The possibilities of what could happen if he had the nerve to tell you—they made Jean feel light-headed to even consider. Maybe he would finally feel relief from not having to lead this double-life anymore. Maybe he would not feel anxiety-induced nausea any longer from trying to conceal his need for you…his love for you.

Maybe you would smile at him and Jean would finally be able to hold you against his body in a hug more intimate than friends use. Maybe you would stroke his hair with your gentle fingers and Jean would take your hands in his, parading the fact that you wanted to be with him above all others. Maybe you would look at him with those beautiful (e/c) pools of yours and confess you felt the same.

Maybe he would finally fulfill his wish to kiss you. It was more than a wish. It had become an intense yearning. Kirstein thought about it almost all the time at this point, and he was beginning to feel like he might explode from the stress.

At night when he thought about your lips to his, tasting you, breathing you in, Jean couldn’t help but touch himself. His fantasies ranged from sweet and romantic to just this side of disturbing. It was leaving him unable to speak to you as easily as he had in the past, making things awkward regardless of his struggles to maintain your favor.

It wasn’t that he didn’t put forth a valiant effort to think of you platonically and to keep you from this stress. It was that he couldn’t shut it off. He couldn’t keep his mind from the images it created; his fingers tangled through your (h/c) hair, lips slowly brushing yours, lingering closely between kisses, his bottom lip capturing you back to him, mouths parting, breath trembling, tongues exploring, longing swelling. Jean told himself that with each kiss he would be allowed to give you, he would make certain you felt exactly what you meant to him. He imagined that each kiss would be its own “I love you.”

He huffed a sigh of nervous frustration, thankful that he hadn’t run into you just yet. He cursed himself for being gutless. As he did, he thought about the time he had first truly known he was hopeless for you, and that he would do anything to make you happy.

Jean had never intended on being Titan bait. The idea was ridiculously suicidal in his opinion and he had no interest in dying. Kirstein planned on living a nice comfortable life away from danger and working in the palace for the Military Police. An easy existence devoid of conflict was what he had been searching for when he joined the Corps.

When he decided to join the Scout Legion, you had scolded Jean for believing himself cowardly. You told him not to call himself something so hatefully fabricated again. You would not stand for others to mock him seriously and you wouldn’t tolerate it from his own mouth either.

When he argued, you told him that people like yourself and Eren didn’t have any kind of great courage. You just had a goal and didn’t care how reckless you were to achieve it. Jean recalled how you told him that he had made you see that your actions as they were put everyone at great risk, and you had vowed to him right there to place more importance on that in the future.

Placing so much stock in his opinion made him feel ten feet tall, and you only added to his worth by reminding him once more, “I don’t want you to call yourself a coward ever again and if I personally hear someone else do it, they’ll get a kick in their damned face.” Jean asked how you could say that knowing how afraid he felt being there and how he was dying to be anywhere else.

“But you’re not anywhere else. You’re here. You think yourself stupid, but you can’t let your comrades face this enemy alone. You are completely terrified and yet here you sit. I don’t think anyone from our class could claim to be braver than you, my friend,” you reasoned as you kissed him on the cheek, (e/c) eyes gazing at him proudly.

That gaze had never made him feel more brave—never more confident, more valued or more alive. Picturing that moment gave Jean the push he needed to find his nerve time and again, on the field and day to day, In this moment of turmoil, your generous words of praise encouraged him once more.

Shaken from thought as he stood leaning under a tree, his stomach filled with nervous butterflies as he saw you approaching, intense look in your eyes, clearly dreading what it was you had come to tell him.

Anxiety filled his bones as he quickly tried to choose the perfect words to confess. This was it. He needed more than your friendship. He couldn’t lose you; not to Eren—not to anyone.

He loved you.

 

********************

 

When Eren met up with you after talking to Jean, you pecked his cheek and asked hopefully, “How did it go?”

“Not great,” he responded, tousling his brown layers of hair and looking extremely guilty.

You frowned and met his turquoise eyes sternly, “Why not? Did you do something?”

Eren rolled his eyes and said with frustration, “What do you mean, did ‘I’ do something? You know that horse-faced asshole hates me as much as I hate him.”

You didn’t respond. Jean had given you his word to make nice and you knew he would go out of his way to make good on that promise. Instead, you continued staring accusingly at your boyfriend.

Huffing, he grumbled, “I can’t. I just can’t deal with everything going on in my life right now and having to spend the free time I do get with that dumb cowa-” Your frown deepened, and Eren stopped the word abruptly. You had made it extremely clear for quite some time that calling Jean a coward would be met with a swift punch in eye.

He continued, “I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair, but you’re going to have to choose which of us you want to spend your time with.”

Damn it! You had spent all of yesterday trying to convince them to make nice, finally they agree and Eren comes back like this? “Don’t make me do this, Eren,” you begged. “Please.”

He sighed heavily as he retorted, “I’m sorry. I have to. You know what kind of pressure I’m under and this is just getting to be too much. I don’t like Kirstein and I don’t want to divide your attention with him, of all people, when I’m here.” Taking another heavy breath, he stated, “It’s time for you to decide who you’re really in love with.”

Your eyebrows raised and you looked at Eren as if he had just grown an extra Titan head. “Who I’m in love with? Eren, we’ve never even discussed being in love before. It’s too soon to decide that. Why put me on the spot to force me to tell you I love you?” your voice questioned with a hint of panic.

“I never said I meant you loved me, did I?” Yeager replied knowingly.

Now you were certain he had lost his mind. Not him? Then he thought you were in love with…with Jean? Your head swam and you felt confused and barraged by too many thoughts at once. You loved Jean. He was your best friend—but in love with him—that was outrageous.

Outrageously true.

With Eren’s permission to think it over, you realized why you had wanted them to hang out together more often in the first place. It wasn’t because you needed them to get along or so the three of you could spend time together as friends. It was because you hated being away from Jean. Hated it. You hadn’t noticed your feelings growing slowly all this time.

He had been so infuriating initially and then so hilarious and then so fearlessly compassionate—so wonderful.

You had ignored the nervous butterflies in your stomach when he hugged you. Ignored the way he made your ears burn when he spoke and the way your heart fluttered when he smiled his crooked smile, lighting his amber eyes just for you. You told yourself it was a silly crush and continued seeing Eren while secretly it was pity for his plight that kept you by the boy Titan’s foolhardy side.

You could not, however, ignore the ache as you and Jean began spending less and less time together in favor of tending to Eren. You felt more and more depressed and knew that if you could just see Kirstein more often, he would be able to cheer you. He was always able to manage that much. It wasn’t Eren you wanted to be with. It was Jean.

It had always been Jean.

“Well?” Yeager asked after watching you struggle with it for several minutes.

You groaned and cast your (e/c) eyes to the floor, ashamed if you had led Eren on for these many months. “I’m-I’m so sorry, Eren. I-“ your voice trailed off. You cared for Eren and didn’t want to say something that may hurt him.

“You love that stupid horse-faced punk,” he said softly—calmly. Looking at his face, you noticed the corners of his mouth twitch up. He hugged you tightly and stressed tenderly, “Please don’t be sorry.”

You pulled back to give him a puzzled stare.

“Don’t be sorry…because this,” Eren motioned between the two of you, “has been exhausting. I mean, just really, really exhausting.”

You scoffed loudly, but slowly your lips began forming a smile as well. “I didn’t want to put more stress on you. Looks like I was doing the opposite,” you chuckled.

He returned the quiet laugh and said, “You were trying so hard. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

You gazed at one another wistfully and you shook your head. Eren added, “What were we thinking? I can’t focus on something like romance right now! There has probably never been a worse time in my life to try dating!”

Now you really laughed. “No kidding! I guess it’s us who turned out to be the cowards here.”

Nodding, he gave you another hug. “I can’t be with anyone right now,” he said as his lips brushed against your cheek. “So, I’m—relieved-- that there is someone who can love you like you deserve.”

“Shut up, idiot,” you said. He was beginning to embarrass you. The two of you had never been this relaxed or comfortable with one another and it was nice to know he would remain your friend.

“Now,” he responded, grabbing you by the shoulders, “go find that ugly bastard and tell him how you feel.”

You cocked your eyebrow in disapproval but smirked at his insult, nevertheless.

As you began to walk away, he stopped you briefly to half-tease, “Maybe don’t look like you enjoy kissing him too much when I’m around, huh?” You smiled again and kissed his cheek.

You had to find Jean.

 

*****************

 

Shaken from thought as Jean stood leaning under a tree, his stomach filled with nervous butterflies as he saw you approaching, intense look in your eyes, clearly dreading what it was you had come to tell him.

Anxiety filled his bones as he quickly tried to choose the perfect words to confess. This was it. He needed more than your friendship. He couldn’t lose you; not to Eren—not to anyone. He loved you.

“Jean,” your voice called to him as you neared. Just the sound of his name from your mouth caused his face to burn crimson. He swallowed thickly. His mind raced.

_I’ll never think of the right words to tell her how I really feel. Nothing is good enough. This is it. I’m about to die here and now. Fucking tragic._

She grabbed him by the hands and looked intently into his eyes as she said, “I have to tell you something important.”

“Me first,” Jean replied as his lips melted hungrily against yours.

 

 

_**FIN** _

 

 

 

 


End file.
